Day 122: Empty

Hey there, Ray here and welcome back to another blog post. April 3, 2017.

Before I start writing, I just wanted to give a shout-out to the terrible pun master Jackie. She pretty much saved my borderline Spanish grade and I am very thankful ^_^!

Okay on with today. So recent I decided to partake in a Sleep Schedule Challenge where I’m trying to find my sleep schedule and put my life back together and well it’s a hit and a miss. So far I’m like 1 and 1. Here’s my chart:


I’ll update this every day so you can see how much of a failure I am :)! Funny thing is, I slept at 1:40 AM and well I slept past all my alarms xd. Woke up kind of late today. Tragic. Waking up is so hard :/ So is staying up, it’s equally as hard.

Okay so yesterday I got my math test score back, the one I thought I failed, but I got an okay score on because it was curved to no tomorrow. Today my math teacher wasn’t here and we had to learn chapter 8 section by ourselves, which I didn’t do because well I’m lazy xd. Did it at home though.

In Physics class we reviewed for the test tomorrow. I still have no idea what is going on and this is the first time I’m walking into a test not knowing anything at all. I think I slept during the 2nd half of the class lol. I’m so screwed xd! I seriously don’t want to start the quarter out with another B geez. Let me tell you the story of how I fucked up my Physics grade this quarter. I started the quarter with an 80 on a test and an 85 average. Right from the get-go I was already panicking on how in the world I was going to increase my grade. Then with a little bit of luck and lots of sleeping in class, I managed to get some high test grades and quiz grades and brought my average to an 95. If only I started out with an 90 something then I could be at an 97 or a 98. RIP RIP!

This is the last quarter and it’s fairly short too! Maybe I can work a little RNG 🙂 Actually no, I know what I’m gonna do. Just get myself a sticky note and write some equations on it and post it on the leg of my table. Easy money 😉 Oh yeah, I also asked my Physics teacher for a letter of recommendation even though I sleep in his class most of the time lol. It’s kind of funny xd! Legit the only class I can sleep in without having to worry about being called out and shit. +1 Mr. Lebold.

Then lunch was lunch. Lunch is never an exciting part of my day as I eat alone most of the time 🙂 I swear everyone who ever passes by probably thinks I’m a loser. Well, they’re not wrong 🙂

Then in Spanish we got our Ecotourism project grades back. When you get 2 points extra credit but lose 2 points on the project and still end up with a 100. Praise Jackie! It’s not like I didn’t do anything, I really did try my best to get all the requirements and fill in information, but in the end I know I got hard carried.

I bombed so many Spanish quizzes this quarter and my grade was on the knife’s edge :s but now it’s looking healthier.

We were also suppose to study for the National Spanish Exam tomorrow, but technical difficulties said otherwise. RIP, lost so much time due to wifi problems.

Then I had gym class and I got finessed 😦 So I know I did my climbs and belays last week, but I forgot to tell the teacher to record it down and she wasn’t having any of it. I even had my partner vouch for me, but no luck. So I had to go climb and belay again. Special thanks to Sasha xd! My savior lol. Thanks for volunteering to climb so I didn’t have to xd.

Then in APUSH class we talked about the Berlin Wall and read a Robert Frost poem. I slept during the 2nd half of this class too and I’m surprised my teacher didn’t yell at me since she normally does 🙂

The final class of the day was English. We just worked on our word journal thingy for Macbeth. Basically we have to keep defining a specific word in a specific act. My word is man and it really doesn’t change that much. Today I learn my student teacher is pretty cool. She’s a lot more chill than my actual teacher. Since I sat in the back with my friends, we were just messing and joking around. It was fun 🙂 I managed to get one down in class LOL. I can’t work well in class. If you give me the option to slack off, I definitely will.

There was not tennis practice today, so no tennis tales today 🙂 The coach for the developing players wasn’t here, so no go. Went home with some friends. I was oddly quiet today lol.

And like usual, I took a nap when I came home. Same old, same old.

[okay this is probably where you want to stop reading]

Okay, let’s talk about something else. Do you ever feel empty? Because that’s exactly how I feel. I feel empty and I don’t know why. I feel like something is missing. It’s like no matter what I do, nothing changes. I feel disconnected, not really sure how to describe it. I feel like nothing I do will really matter in the long run. Like why do I even do the things that I do? What’s the point of it?

At this point, it’s all about getting to the next day. And the next day. And the next day, until the days run out. Until one day, the next day doesn’t come.

What’s the point of living if all I’m doing is wasting time, keeping myself busy and just waiting until the next day comes where I do the same exact thing.

I surround myself with people, yet I still feel lonely. I don’t belong. I’m just here because I’m here.

I want company, but at the same time I don’t.

I don’t know.

What do you do when people start crying?

What I want to do is cry with them, but that’s unrealistic. Or you know, “What mom, what? You want me to feed the horses? Okay..”

I look around and realize, wow people can be so happy sometimes. And then I wonder, why can’t I be happy? What is happiness? I feel like I’m having deja vu, like I asked myself this question millions of times already. But like I said earlier, nothing ever changes.

I tried to make a difference. I tried to convince myself that I can be happy and that it really isn’t that bad. But I prove myself otherwise. If that was the case, I wouldn’t be here now. I put myself into this situation and I’m not sure how to get out of it. It’s an endless cycle.

At the end of the day, I’m still here waiting for the next day to come. And the next day and the next. Until one day someone puts me out of my misery or until I find happiness, which ever one comes first.

OH WELL! Life is hard, live with it I guess.

I can already imagine a comment a specific person would write: WOW Ray, you’re fucking emo. No wonder no one likes you! Ahahahahahahaha go kill yourself.

Pretty accurate up until the go kill yourself part xd.

Okay I’m going to fail Physics now.

Have a nice day peep ^_^!

Here’s a picture of the one and only Nayoung, leader of Pristin 🙂


being sad at night is the worst time of day. it’s so quiet and my thoughts roam freely. i’m such a mess ugh.


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