Day 81: Sleep

Hey there, Ray here and welcome back to another blog post. February 21, 2017.

First of all, hi how are you doing. Just a continuation from yesterday’s post. I don’t advise people to have phone conversations late at night into early morning. Geez I don’t know why I thought it’d be a good idea to talk from 11 PM to 1:30 AM. Then again, if you need to talk I’ll be here xdxd. Listening is something I’m good at (most of the time unless you happen to be a teacher xdxd). Anyways, I still had homework at that time so like got 0 zero again, which sucked because I’m trying really hard to sleep earlier because it honestly feels terrible to have no sleep but it ends up like that regardless 😦 I ended up going to sleep at 2:30 AM, which I guess isn’t too bad considering the situation.

Oh yeah, the funniest shit I heard during our conversation was that this person thought that I was relatively happy most of the time. x to the fucking d. I wish. Geez, I really wish I was one of those people who are generally happy most of the time but unfortunately, I’m not. Instead, I happen to be the complete opposite. Life sucks.

I woke up with a stomach ache or something. My stomach hurt a lot, so I just had some tea and left the house with no food. I also don’t advise people to leave without having breakfast. No sleep and no breakfast has to be the worst combination to starting the day. I ate breakfast at school so I guess that helped out a bit. Lol I had some honey nut cheerios and this big ass grapefruit, which I hate no idea how to eat. Since I didn’t want to get my hands dirty, I was stabbing it with my spork and using a straw to suck up the juices 🙂 Lol, that doesn’t sound right xdxd.

Oh yeah, when I walked into 11-1 today, I almost died. Holy shit, the smell of dead cats is not that pleasant 😦 Reasons why I can’t take AP Biology. I hate dead cats.

Okay fast forward a bit into math class. I close my eyes for 4 seconds and my teacher snipes me lol. FOUR SECONDS! I tend to fall asleep sometimes in her class. She’s been calling me out a few times. She’s always telling me to get some water and I’m just like: “No, I’m fine.” But am I really fine? Of course not. So then class goes on and I stay awake. Then after class she pulls me over and she’s all like: “Hey you should take me up on the offer sometimes when I tell you to get some water.” And in my mind, I’m like: “I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to talk to you. I understand that you’re trying to help me and all, but I honestly don’t want your help. I’m also sorry for falling asleep in your class and all and will try my hardest to not have that happen again although I’m not sure how successful that will be considering it is first period math.” The way she was talking me, it felt like she was offended that I keep say “no I don’t want any water” and the reason why I keep saying “no I don’t want any water” is because I don’t want any water! You know what I want? I want some sleep, but I can’t have that. And that’s not your fault lol, that’s my fault. I make poor decisions that are now habitual. Having a lack of sleep honestly sucks and I don’t know how people who are awake at 1-2 AM every day do it. I hate myself sigh~

Speaking about fucked up sleep schedules, I fucking hate myself. Holy shit! What is wrong with me! I keep falling asleep whenever I try to read Mona and the Promised Land. Every since time, without fail. I would be reading the chapter and without me noticing, I would fall asleep and boom! 2-3 hours later, I fucking panic and regret going to sleep! But then on the other, it’s like I need that sleep because I’m only running on like 4 hours of sleep on average. But then when I go to sleep, I end up stay up later. It’s a fucking tragedy. I need some help lol. Sigh.

This lack of sleep is really ruining my life, on top of other silly things like depression, school, grades, insecurity, family, etc.. The problem is, there’s nothing I can do about it. I really need help. I’m tired of being tired. Then again, I’m wasting time writing this xd. Sigh. I can’t wait to watch a movie with some friends on Friday. I just want to have a good time :s!

I’m a very simple person. I just want to have a good time 😦

I need a Starbucks buddy.

And sleep.

My friends like to take pictures of me looking shook xd:

The “I’m sick and tired of your bullshit face”
The “I want to kill myself face”
The “I’m dead on the inside face”
The “Oh, okay face”
The “I’m tilted by Mrs. Sui face”

okay bye bye. see y’all tomorrow~ (if I wake up again ;))

-ray, the one and only sunflower~



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