Day 30: Unmotivated

On the 30th day of Christmas my lover gave to me: a corn dog because I didn’t like rice porridge haha. How do people like that stuff, it’s gross. So slimy and get’s all over my mouth lol.

Hey what is up fam, my name is Ray and welcome back to another December daily blog 🙂 Couldn’t come up with anything witty 😦 So today I did something that I haven’t done in a while. I decided to read other people’s blog haha. I gotta say, my stuff compared with other people’s stuff is so different. Other people write about important things, ideas, topics, thoughts, etc and all I do is write about the most random shit possible. Ouo, is that why no one likes me. 😦 I just want to be loved, is that so hard. Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Still yes.

Anyways I got this idea from another blogger (Pooja/lifesfinewine.wordpress.com):

Ray’s Top 10 Most Memorable Moments of 2016! (In no particular order)
1. RIP ExtaliaMS
On the second day of this year, ExtaliaMS the private server that I loved got shut down and it made me super sad. I was out eating with my family when I heard the news, sad stuff 😦
2. Group Projects-The Death of Me
LOL, basically I made a video about a certain someone and may or may not have said a bit too much. It was uncalled for and yeah, I don’t like to talk about those times :0
3. Crime and Punishment: The Movie: The Book (Trailer) 
So this was another video that I made for a project and apparently people liked it ouo. I personally didn’t think it was that good but hey it got me that A so good enough for me I guess!

4. 10th Grade Trip
The bus ride was whack. There was so much traffic, it was insane. I also bought a pink penguin for someone which I now realize may seem a bit weird. Haha oh wells. I had no intentions and just kind of did it but I guess it was sort of out of character ouo. I later got roasted for buying her a penguin by one of her friends feels bad lol.
5. Ray’s Rants 1-5
Lol these were really fun to do during the summer. My favorite was #3, where I flamed my jungler which prompted a clownfiesta of events to happen. I’m still waiting for that fucking diss track ._.

6. New York Trip
During the summer, I took a trip to New York with two of my best friends. We literally did nothing there because it was so random and no thought was put into it. We also didn’t get to use the trains rip rip.

7. Canned Food Challenge/Chubby Bunny Challenge
So I promised my friend Tina that I would do a video with her and well promises do come true after all (after a couple of years no problem). It was “fun” to say the least. I didn’t have to eat dog food so that made it more enjoyable. I don’t understand how people like canned food, it’s actually gross. Also I don’t want clam chowder or chicken noodle soup or marshmallows ever again. JUST SAYING! I also learn that I could stuff like 5-6 marshallows in my mouth, better than some people (cough cough person who can only do 3 (?)) ^_^

8. Twitter Subtweet Fiesta
So basically I tweeted something that was basically telling two people to shut the fuck up without the @ and they got angry (well duh). I didn’t know what I expected, could of probably handled the situation a bit better I guess. I proceeded to get subtweeted, which I thought was pretty funny. I have a weird sense a humor. I guess having people make fun of my life helps me justify why I hate myself hehe. My favorites were “Mood: Shadow” and one roasting me for buying someone a pink penguin plushy. Anyways, said person blocked me and I didn’t know if said person was actually angry at me. Said person has unblocked me, I have to go refollow them one day lol.
9. Filming Our Spanish Project
Lol I know this literally just happened a couple of days ago, but I had lots of fun doing it. Also had some of the saltiest pizzas I ever had, drank a cup of black coffee because my friend’s name was Jackie and also managed to get a funny picture of my friend drinking her milkshake.
10. Felicia’s&Linda’s Birthday Party
It was really fun ^_^ Nuff said. Lots of songs, lots of killing people’s ears, lots of yelling-singing, lots of good times. And there was cake too!

Honorable Mention!
My birthday was pretty cool I guess. Went out to eat with some friends, went to H-Mart for some Korean food. Got a cheesecake and a macroon. Fun times. Still waiting for that drawling though :0 Legends says, I will receive it one day. Patience is a virtue I guess.

I feel like I’m missing something on this list haha. There were definitely smaller events that I enjoyed but I don’t know if I should of added them or not lol.

Here is a picture of my new teacup ^_^

——————————————————–

Okay now here comes the part that is actually related to the title of this post. The mood is about to dip so be prepared I guess (?). Do you ever feel unmotivated? Like you just don’t want to do anything? I’m not talking about being lazy, I’m talking about literally not being motivated to do anything.

I don’t know. I just had one of those days. I literally struggled so hard today. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t find a reason to do anything today. I just felt sad. I felt like everything was extremely pointless. Like no matter what I do, I’ll just end up feeling the same way. Tired. Frustrated. Unmotivated. Angry. Things never change. It’s always the same feeling over and over again. It’s so annoying. I slept for most the day. I didn’t do anything. Whenever I tried to do something, the question of why am I doing this always comes up. Why? I don’t know why…

I spent a good amount of the day crying and I didn’t even know why I was crying half the time. I just did. It was just the sad feeling. How do people be happy? I really want to know. I envy happy people. I’m jealous. I want to be happy too. I really wish I could just wake up one day and stop being so sad. I really wish it was really that simple. Why am I so fucked up? Why can’t I just be a normal person?

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror? I don’t. I try not. It’s always the same old sad face that stares directly back at me. It kills me. I just want to be happier, is that so much to ask for? Short answer: Yes. Long answer: It’s too late for that. I don’t know what to do… I really don’t know what to do. Seriously how do depressed people deal with depression because I have no idea. I only know one other person and well I have a feeling he’s just as fucked up as I am if not worse. I mean I’m not at noose tying or drinking alcohol level yet. Ugh ugh.

Be happy. Be healthy. ^_^! I don’t like it when people are sad/lonely/etc, it reminds me of me lol. I shall try my hardest to make others happy while I try to find out my life haha. 2017, can’t wait.

Random quote of the day:
(Some context: We’re playing league of legends but there’s like 6 people so Ziwen decides to ditch Margaret)
Me: “I’m sorry Margaret but Ziwen is a misogynist and doesn’t want to play with you.”
Her: “It’s okay, I’ll just play by myself”
Other person: “Does he even know what that means lol”

edgy joke, I’m sorry. please don’t hurt me!

-Ray, the one and only sunflower~

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