Day 21: Loneliless

On the 21st day of Christmas my lover gave to me: a simple heartwarming hug ^_^ Life is all about the small things that make or break your day! Or at least that’s what I think. Like a simple hi could change my day or like the way someone talks to me could also effect my day. I’m weird, yes I know!

Hey what is up fam, my name is Ray and welcome back to the “oh noes I have a test tomorrow and I have to study but I also need to write about stuff and reflect and stuff and things” post.

You see, normally I would be talking about how I have a physics test tomorrow that I should be studying for but today’s different. Sort of.

Today, I wanted to talk about loneliness, inspired by a youtube video. Hey come on now, when youtube recommends me a video about loneliness, you know I have to check that out. Video should be right below these words.

Being lonely is weird. Sometimes I enjoy just being by myself and not having to deal with other people but other times I long for someone to talk to and share my thoughts with. It’s like an ultimate dilemma. Like Max (person in the video) mentions, being lonely is like being the 3rd wheel in a relationship… except there is no relationship. It’s a feeling that makes the person feel out of place or not belong. Trust me, I had my fair share of 3rd wheeling and I can confidently say, 3rd wheeling is not fun. All I want to do is hang out with friend x but at the same time, I feel like I’m disrupting them. It’s just really awkward and weird.

Loneliness is probably one of the worst feelings out there. Having no one and having nothing doesn’t feel good at all. No one to talk to, no one to go to, no one to vent to, no one. Like I could be in a room full of people, but even then I feel like I’m just there. I have no purpose of being there besides just being there. I don’t belong with these people and etc.

It’s really sad sometimes. It makes me feel excluded from the world. It makes me feel like all I have is myself and when I don’t even like myself, then who will?

Sometimes I feel like just venting to a certain friend but then a strange thought crosses my mind. What if they don’t care? Chances are these people wouldn’t care about my problems, after all it is my problem. Why burden them with my problem? So in the end, I just keep my problems to myself, which is cool in all but sometimes I wish I could just tell somebody. Just keeping all these thoughts to myself doesn’t really help me as a person. It just makes me hate myself more, my life more and everything about it.

One of these days I’ll tell someone my problems but by then it would be too late. I mean that’s how I became like this in the first place. I don’t share. I don’t want to. It’s really easier to just keep quiet than explain. People judge me. Shit like that. To avoid drama, to avoid being that person. For example, I’m pretty sure people think I’m an attention whore just because I talk about how lonely I am, but honestly you wouldn’t know what it feels like unless you experienced it for a prolong time. I talk about it because it keeps me sane. I talk about it so I realize the issue actually exist and I don’t just pretend everything is fine and dandy, cause it’s not. But all of this is a first world problem. I feel guilty even complaining. Everything is a fucking dilemma.

The typical quiet lonely kid who doesn’t really have friends and hates his life and everything about himself.

The problem is I don’t know what my problem is. I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m sad, depressed, lonely. I don’t know why I feel empty inside. I don’t know why I think all of my friends secretly hate me. I don’t know why I feel like I don’t belong in any of my friend groups. I don’t know why.

Sigh, I feel indifferent about everything. You don’t want to become like me. Avoid it at all cost! Why am I here? What is the purpose of my life? Like I’m never happy, I can’t find something I really enjoying doing and I’m good at literally nothing. I’m literally just trash. UGH!

How am I even a functional person? See if I told this to anyone, they’d think I’m weird or some shit. They wouldn’t care. It’s not their problem. Also, it’s very hard to relate if you don’t know what it feels like. iosjadoidjsaodjoadjsaodjsoajdaojw0eq-2391-oe-owqlpds;

Okay, enough emo talk. I’m sorry. Being happy is hard. I envy people who seem happy happy happy all the time. How do they just ignore all the negativity in the world? I’m not to sure. I envy them. More than anything. Sigh. I need help, but I don’t want it. I don’t want to explain myself. ???

-Ray, the one and only sunflower~

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